You know the entry beneath this one?

I was wrong.  There was a fork in the road.  And it happened.  And I was happy.

Emphasis on was.

Maybe I was being hypocritical .. maybe it was just the "chase".  God, I hope not.  "Don't leave me for another guy," he said.  "I won't," I promised.  I knew at the time making a promise like that was pretty damn stupid, but I promised anyways.  I thought we'd stay together for a while, that I because I kept liking him meant I'd only want him, always.

I do want him.  I do love him, I swear.

It's just .. every time I'm around him, there's this chemistry that I can explain.  And the "him" this time isn't the him that you're thinking of.  It's not the "him" I've wanted since eighth grade .. it's an entirely different him, and I don't know why it's happening now, when I thought it was over.

Scratch that.  It never was.  Something else just continued in spite of it.

And maybe this is just curiosity or desire.  If I don't act on it, it won't happen.  Simple enough.

Too bad the other "him" won't get out of my head now ..

"He," as in the other guy, kept touching me today, while "he," as in my boyfriend, worried about me.  "He," as in the other guy, kept flirting with me today, and I flirted back, while "he," as in my boyfriend, tried to console me, tried to talk to me, and I resisted because I was feeling so out of it (for unrelated reasons).

Last night I realised things between "us," as in me and my boyfriend, will never change.  Sure, he may be super mushy and caring now, but after a while the novelty will wear off.  It'll go back to me being taken for granted, his sweet nothings being just that, nothings.  And I'll lose him again, and it'll hurt more than ever, because I'll know that this time, I had him and I let him go.  I can't face that again.

Maybe that's why I don't want to get so attached.  I don't want to lose him again.  For the third time.  And sure, they say, "Third time's the charm," and I honestly thought so in the beginning.

But maybe it's not.  Maybe it's just all in my head.

Oh, fuck.  I don't know what to do.  I don't even know what I'm complaining about.  I just .. I needed to rant, to get this out of my system.

Whatever "this" is.

Currently Playing Room on Fire By The Strokes see related

- Under Control -

So here I am again.

4.17/5

4.5/2400/800/800/800/5/5/5

4.67/5/5/5/5/stanford ea.

God, he puts on this stupid act. He gets close to me; he complains about girls; he doesn't listen to me; and then I fall.  Hard.  Like always.  This is the second time.  The first time might as well counted as 103984 times, because it lasted for so long.  It's the longest I've ever liked someone.  But I think I've liked him all along.  But ahlkjkj.  And when I tell him .. he always somehow makes me tell him early.  He suspects, or he wants me to tell him everything and then he never ends up listening, unless it's about him.  And this time he really suspected .. one day after I realized it.  One fucking day.  One.  And since then it's only gotten worse .. things have been awkward.  And then he plays the "I-feel-so-guilty" card.  And after I reassure him .. he goes back to being handy-dandy, not even giving a fucking shit about me.  Stop acting like you care.  There, I said it.  I don't want to hurt anymore.  Our relationship is a circle .. it repeats over and over again.  And nowhere in that circle is there a fork in the road where I eventually get with him.  Nowhere.  I want to give up; I know I should, but I can't.  I can't get over this.  I can't get over him.  He doesn't do me any good.  He never has.  Ever.  What the fuck is this?  Go ahead, feel bad.  I can't feel any worse about this, so I won't feel bad about you feeling bad.  Why should I give a shit about how you feel if you've never given a shit about how I feel?  As long as it doesn't involve you, you're great.  You're happy; you've got your own problems to deal with, right?  And then it does involve you, and all of a sudden it is your problem.  Is that what it is?  Yeah, it is.  Don't even fucking tell me sorry.  Sorry doesn't fucking cut it.  I don't know how many days I've wasted away.  I'm not doing this for sympathy, you know.  I'm doing this because I can't tell any-fucking-body about this.  I'm doing this because if I keep this inside I will implode.  I'm doing this for myself.  I'm doing this because I need to get over you, because I need to focus on my fucking 4.17, and my fucking 4.5, and my fucking 4.67, and my fucking 2400, and my three fucking 800s, and my eight fucking 5s.  I'm doing this because I need to get my priorities straight.

fuck you. fuck this. fuck everyfuckingthing. FUCK.

"Under Control" by The Strokes.  How ironic.

daphne loves derby <3

200 miles away from home
200 miles beneath this lake is where my heart belongs
But you don't care at all
You wouldn't even smile if I were screaming as the water filled my lungs
You demand to be chased for your love
My desperate heart is far too weak to run for you this long
But you don't care at all
There nothing I can do to draw you close to me
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again
I've been trying to forget the best parts of you
But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow
Please be home tonight
I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right
I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel
Every time you're here.
What would it take for me to be with you
I swear I'd rip my heart out if you said you'd be impressed
I'd go so far to please you but I bet you wouldn't care at all
Hopeless love please leave me
This broken heart is far to weak to run for you this long
Why don't you care?
I'm dieing for a place in your heart.
Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again
I've been trying to forget the best parts of you
But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow
Please be home tonight
I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right
I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel
Every time you're here.
Hopeless love, why did you carve your home in me?
This broken heart is too weak to hold your weight
And now I regret the day we met
And help me forget your name.

i wish everyone would stop telling me what to do

i hate this.

Currently Playing Stories & Alibis By Matchbook Romance see related

- "Lovers and Liars"

don't hold this against me. i've already said i'm sorry. i hope you choked on every word you said when you were screaming at me & realize how many times i've tried, but that's just wishful thinking. all i want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me. get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.

just when i thought one thing was over, another thing comes up. it's not even logical.

& just when i thought i was free, i'm trapped again. infatuated. totally fallen for someone i've been falling for ever since i first spoke to him. but it's not gonna happen, cause i messed up big time. i could have had him, i could have been with him, i could have been happy & drama-free but no, i had to mess up. & the worst part is? he doesn't even notice. he doesn't care what's going on in my life. he doesn't care. & it's tearing me apart.

i sound so emo in here .. what a poseur